


Brave

by SassyLassy



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Background Character Death, Humanstuck, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-17
Updated: 2014-09-17
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:59:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2318321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyLassy/pseuds/SassyLassy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eighteen year old Tavros has his world turned on its head. aka cliche admitting of feelings. Written only because I wanted it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brave

_I like you._

It's such a loaded statement, and you've never had those words spoken to you in all you life yet here you are, and there those words go, echoing into your mind. It's almost like something out of those animes that Nepeta was always making you watch when she came over, since the last time you went to her house you suffered a severe allergic reaction to all her pet cats. All the scenery was missing were those pink petals flying by on the winds breeze.

But this was reality wasn't it? Standing by the river, the cool green grass under foot (wheel?), the bike run where people were enjoying the sunny day totally oblivious to the fact Tavros Nitram's world had just been spun upside down.

All because of Gamzee.

There he was, standing there, looking a mess like always. But it was Gamzee's kind of mess. His wild uncontrollable hair which seemed to stick in every direction but the right one. That shirt which looked like he'd lived in it for a year. Those jeans which were scratched and stained and drawn on with permanent marker which matched his unlaced shoes which were as much of a mess as the rest of him.

Gamzee Makara was a literal mess of a person and he'd just told you that he likes you. And you honestly know better then to ask the expected 'So do you mean like-like' because you already know the answer to that question. You're not stupid, nor are you dumb. You've seen how Gamzee looks at you when he thinks you can't see him. How he smiles small, secretive smiles. When he'd sit too close to you sometimes during break at school, wedging himself so his narrow hips pinned against your chubby ones.

You just thought, at first, that Gamzee was overly affectionate. He certainly was with Karkat, how he'd all but throw himself onto the angry little boy he called his best friend forever. Karkat was rarely seen without Gamzee hanging off him in some way, shape, or form but that wild closeness with Karkat dulled in comparison to the closeness he showed for you. He was more reserved, like he was holding himself back, afraid of being too close and too touchy in fear of scaring you since the last person who was so touchy and clingy with you was that horrible girl who had ruined your life.

You have to say something quick. You know you have to. But what stands before you are two choices that could greatly effect your life.

One was turning down Gamzee's advance, to tell him that you like him too but only as his friend. That his friendship has meant so much to you during your rehabilitation from your accident. How his late night texts and doodles during class have brought you more happiness than all the birthdays you've experienced. However if you tell him this, it could break his heart.

Gamzee had always been very emotional. Hell, he cried over those awful romcoms Karkat sat him down to watch on occasion. He kept an indifferent expression almost all the time but you knew him. You really, really knew him the same way you know a person who had helped you through the hardest times of your life with a smile and a squeeze of your hand. You don't know how he'd respond to rejection from you. Would he cry? Would he scream? Would he just smile and say 'all right' but keep his feelings hidden?

But at the same time you could not deny how much he means to you. You've laid awake, sometimes, waiting for his late night texts so you wouldn't miss them. The smile that would grace your face when he'd make a joke only you would get, and how he'd be smug and proud and go on about how 'you had to be there brother' to any poor soul who didn't get the joke. You both had something very special that few would understand. And Hell, you'd be lying to yourself if you didn't think there was a tint of handsomeness around Gamzee. If he cleaned himself up a little bit. But that hardly matters because you like him the way he is, you always have, and you've never told him to clean up his act like Karkat and Equius does.

You were taking too long; Gamzee was looking scared now. His eyes darting away, his hands digging against his arms deep enough to leave tiny scratch marks. He's regretting saying those words now.

"Hah!" Gamzee laughs, but it's forced so much even you can tell it is. "Just forget it, bro. It's all cool yeah we got our shit to be getting back to, yeah?" he asks, beginning to turn, to make his way back to the bike track where his old rusty bike had been standing on patiently awaiting the two of you.

"Gamzee, wait."

Your words have their desired effect, he does stop mid stride and turns his messy head back to look back at you.

"Um. I need your.. help." you stumbled over your words, your shyness smothering what else you may have said but it is true. Your wheelchair always has issue on grass and it was Gamzee who had wheeled you down here since you'd wanted to.

"Motherfuck, sorry Tav. My brain all up and got drifting away from me like a balloon with a lil' kid at a fair."

He returns to your side, grabbing at the back of your wheelchair and helps to drag you back up the grassy hill to the bike track. Gamzee is unaware of it but you notice how long his hand lingers on the back of your chair and you want to reach back and grab at his hand but you're too slow and he's already pulled away and kicking the stand from his bike and swings his long leg over it and sits on the seat.

So you both begin to head along the bike track, you pushing yourself along with your wheels, Gamzee barely able to ride straight on his bike so he mostly wobble walks it alongside you since he's never ridden ahead of you all these years. Always at your pace, sticking by your side, even now when who knows what was going through his mind after admitting those three words. His gaze is fixed on the horizon, staring, as he grips the handles weakly in his bruised knuckles.

The silence is _deafening_.

Silence with Gamzee, all the other times, before now were comfortable. That's what you liked about him, that the two of you could talk at length for hours and hours about any and everything ranging from the colour of your ceiling, to wondering how your own inner nostril may smell like, and of course your games that included table top games which ended up with the two of you more or less re-enacting a dead parrot sketch only with a dead orc. Then there was the rapping, which was of course bad and horrible because you were both shit at it but you did it regardless because it kept your brain active, and the fun going.

And the silences were just as comfortable. When you would lay together, cloud gazing, sometimes staring at stars, or doing absolutely nothing but existing alongside him. It was special, somehow, and you could never pin point exactly why.

"Gamzee?" you speak again, gloved hands gripping at your wheels as you come to a stop.

He toddles forward a little further, before stopping and turning his bike so he can look back at you. "Yeah bro?"

Again your words freeze on your tongue and you can only stare at him. You wish you knew what to say. If only life came with a guide, or a script, then you could rip it out of your bag and look at what you are supposed to say when your best friend tells you that he likes you far more than just his friend. What can you do to tell him that you care so much about him but you're scared, that you don't know if this is attraction or just affection, and you want to work it out but you're so scared to do it at the same time because of what happened to you before?

Vriska had been right about you. That you were indecisive and pathetic, weak, a joke.

You feel your bottom lip quiver so you bite down against it, pinning it, halting it from making you look weak to Gamzee. How can he like you? How could anyone like you, with your stutter, your self esteem being so low an earth worm could be its soul mate. You, who can no longer walk because of that horrible accident, which took Vriska with it and yet despite that her words still haunt you to this day.

"I-I'm sorry.." you whisper.

Gamzee is crouching in front of you now, hands on your knees, eyes uncharacteristically bright as he looks right into your eyes.

"Don't you motherfuckin' apologize Tav. Y'all done enough of that shit for long enough." he says, moving his hands from your knees to your arms. "You ain't ever say those words to me, cuz you got not a thing to be sorry about in this whole fuckin' world.

You are _strong_. Stronger than you even realize y'all like a little ant that can lift all that miracle weight and treat it like it ain't a damn big thing but it is, bro. Y'all scared us, scared you wouldn't be waking up from that wreck but you did and when you was told you ain't gonna walk you just asked for a chair. You know how strong you is for doing that? I woulda cried. I wouldn't have stopped crying. But you got up and you fought and you worked and... you're brave. It's the only thing I can say if a motherfucker stopped me to describe you in only one word I'd be going for brave."

Dipping your head forward you can't help but wipe at your eyes. You don't feel brave. You've never felt brave in your entire life. Sure you fought back against Vriska as much as you could, tried to be smart with her insults, how much you hated her but dealt with her because it's what boys do. Boys don't get bullied by girls. Boys don't hit girls. Boys are big and strong and capable but you weren't your brother, or your father.

"I don't feel brave." you say, the tears not even managing to squeeze out of your eyes. "I can't--can't even say wh-what you want me to say."

"What do I want you to say, bro?" Gamzee asked.

Again your words fail you.

His hand finds the back of your head, his fingers splaying against your mow hawk. "Y'all don't have to say a thing, Tav. Long as you don't go 'n tell me to fuck right off and never talk to you again... I don't ever wanna hear you say that."

Your eyes widen and you look right at him, reaching out with a hand and you fist it against his shirt. "I would never. Ever. Ever say that." it's the strongest your voice has been this whole afternoon.

And then he smiles, that easy going smile that shows his front teeth and his braces. "Phew! Brother up and scared me a while then!"

"Sorry." you realize you've rumpled his shirt even more, and your hand loosens against it, smoothing the material and smiling weakly at the Pennywise shirt he wore which had faded with wear and tear over the years. You could barely make out Tim Curry's painted face any more.

"Hey. What'd I say bro you don't..."

His lips are chapped. That's the first thing you realize as your brain attempts to catch up with the rest of you because it had been barely aware of his body suddenly moving forward and attempting to kiss the other crouching in front of him. Gamzee smells, he smells of unwashed hair, of his house which had a certain smell no matter what time of day you went over. He smells of so many things, none of them all too attractive, yet somehow being mashed together they make up the smell which is Gamzee and that alone triggers thousands upon thousands of memories pouring into your mind.

The kiss, if that is what you call clashing your lips suddenly against an unresponsive pair of lips is to you, ends abruptly and you push back into your chair with your face burning with the power of a thousand angry stars and Gamzee looks like he was just told he was adopted and his real father is Snoop Dogg and he wants to take him to live on a fanciful island.

"...weren't all up and expecting that."

"Sorry!!" you splutter again. "It's just I can't just say I don't like you because I do, I really do you've always been here and I don't know what my life would be like if you weren't here I think it would be a lot less fun and stuff, but I don't know if I'd make a good boyfriend or something since the last relationship I was in was horrible but I shouldn't let that hold me back yet I am but I really like you and I'm just so confused I don't know what else or more I can do for you since I don't want you feeling weird or sad around me that's not what I want!"

He shooshes you immediately, pushing two fingers to your lips, the tip of his fingers tapping lightly against your septum piercing. It made your nose twitch.

"I ain't saying we gonna be immediately the best pairing ever man," Gamzee said as he pulled his hand back. "I just really, really like you. I wanna make you happy even more than I do normally. A smile on your face that's been sculptured by me is like that fancy artist who just made the most pimpest painting in all of history. That shit belongs in a museum."

"You already make me pretty happy." you mumble, resting your hands in your lap.

"Then that's motherfuckin' sweet by my books." grinned the other.

"So do you... I don't know..." you glance away, feeling your heart beat racing within your chest.

"How 'bout...." Gamzee worms one of his hands against one of yours, linking his fingers carefully with your gloved ones. "we take things motherfuckin' slow at first? If it ain't what you want then it can stop and we can go back to being bros yeah? Buuuuut," he grins, "if it turns out to be the best motherfuckin' thing to happen since the creation of Nicki Minaj then we'll both be happy. Yeah?"

You look down at his hand holding yours. His long fingers, his bruised knuckles, and his nails which were chipped and stained black and brown beneath his nails was holding your thicker hand, knuckles that were dusted with thick hair before your gloves smothered your hand to offer relief to your palms when you wheeled around on your chair. Seeing this, his hand holding yours, it made you smile both inside, and out.

"...yeah I." you look to him again, and smile, giving his hand a small squeeze. "I like the sound of that."

His lips find your cheek and kisses you swiftly, before he stands up, still holding your hand and making no effort to return to his bike where it had toppled to its side. All you can do is look up at him now, and smile, the kind of smile that Gamzee would call a miraculous piece of art and would hang in the grandest gallery the world had to offer.


End file.
